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Disclaimer - Everything on this website is done pretty much without thinking. Any offence or mental disturbance resulted in interacting with this website and its author is completely unintentional and sadly regretted.

HANIbirthday this Friday!

Friday, January 9, 2004

06:48 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Vagina Visualized

The good thing about the fungal infection is that I'm now visually familiar with my vagina. That's what happens when you have to apply cream to specific parts of your vagina three times a day for two weeks.

Masturbating often, I had already known my vagina by touch, but if I had a picture of a vagina, I would not have been able to point out where my clitoris was. Happily, my eyes have found what my fingers knew long ago, and should I ever need to point out where the clitoris is to anyone, I will now be able to do so.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030109

Thursday, January 8, 2004

01:27 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Hani studies? Nah!

I figured out my aversion to my own computer!! Yay!

It was simply that the fan that faced the computer got moved so whenever I sat at the computer it got too hot to stay for long!

Talk about me being a bimbo.

I've been keeping a study journal. I record the hours I studied, what I studied, and how I was feeling while I was studying. It's only been three days, and so far, I seem to study an hour less each day....

This does not bode well.

Well, yesterday, I had valid reason. I went for a medical check-up, and so I couldn't eat the whole day, despite running around college from 7 in the morning. The medical check-up itself ate up time, and what time I had left for studying had me falling asleep a lot. I fall asleep when I'm hungry.

Anyway, I haven't actually been very productive today. Only one hour of studying so far, and half the day is gone! It's Tariq's fault. He kept trying to convince me to masturbate over the phone for him. I firmly declined.

Okay, it's my fault too. I should have gotten out of bed earlier.... But I only have classes on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and after three days of barbaric 6 o'clock awakenings, it was just so nice to stay in bed!

I'm naughty. Go ahead and spank me. I'll like it.

But later. Now, I'm going back to the study table.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20040108

Tuesday, January 6, 2004

10:35 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

New Year Updates

I think I developed an aversion towards my computer....

Anyway, I'm sitting in college now. First day of summer school!

Lots to update on. Fungal infection is gone. Please do not confuse fungus with urinary tract infection or strange sexually transmitted diseases. It's fungus, as in cousin to the mushroom, growing on the labia. I seem to attract fungus. I had fungus growing in my ear too, at age nine. That fungus pierced my eardrum and left me 10% deaf.

My Adik has gone back to Princeton University. I miss her waking me up in the morning, quite strangely.

For last semester, I got two credits and an offer to take a supplementary exam. As in, I failed one subject, but if I do this supplementary exam, they will mark the subject as passed. They award supplementary exams only to those who did well on the internal assignments. I'm very proud of this supplementary exam. I know others may scoff at it, but to me, it meant that I didn't give up altogether, the way I did previously. I'm improving!

So this year's resolution is to actually study so I'll do better at final exams. Yup.

So although I am no longer all depressed and miserable, I'm afraid I won't be socializing much, because I have to study for my summer course and the supplementary exam. Both exams will be held on February 12th, which doesn't leave me much time....

Wish me luck!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030106

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

03:41 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Vaginal Nightmares

This entry is exceedingly personal and may offend. The author re-emphasizes the Disclaimer above.

This is very difficult to write about. I haven't been blogging because I needed to blog about this, but couldn't bring myself to, so I just didn't blog at all.

Part of me doesn't want to write about this. Part of me would like to pretend this never happened. But I know it did and I must record it here because it must never be forgotten, no matter how much I wish it to be.

For the past five days, I've been suffering a fungal infection in the inner labia of my vagina. It began with some soreness between my legs and some mild pain while peeing. I checked to find two symmetrical grey and white circles and when I checked again before bedtime, they had grown. The next morning, I went to the doctor, who gave me antibiotics and an anti-fungal anti-inflammatory cream to apply three times a day.

By the time I had gone to the doctor, the infection was very, very painful. I never realized how much movement the vagina makes when you sit, when you walk, when you lie down, when you cough. Peeing made me scream. The first time I applied the cream, a sliver of something (I don't know what) came off onto my fingers. It looked like a tiny piece of rotting meat. I hope it was the fungus.

A few days later, a bigger piece, as big as the tip of my index finger, came off. Since then, nothing has fallen off. I faithfully apply the cream after every painful pee. It's the only thing that minimizes the pain so I can sit or walk or lie down.

Worse than the physical misery of the fungal infection, is how much my mind has been affected. It is traumatizing to look at the damage the fungal infection has caused to a part of me that is so private and personal. My new awareness of my vagina has made me very self-conscious. I have refused to go out of the house unless it is only with the family. I haven't even called my closest friends.

I cannot describe the misery in my head. I cannot explain it. It's hearing yourself scream while sitting on the toilet bowl, all by yourself. It's seeing the ugliest thing you have ever seen, and knowing it is part of you. Sometimes, I think it makes no sense. All I know is that more than my vagina hurts.

My inner labia is improving. It is less red and less painful. I will continue to apply the cream until it is completely finished. I will not suffer any reappearance of the damned fungus.

Hopefully, my vagina will be fully healed soon, and I will never ever have to look at such a monstrous sight ever again.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031223

Monday, December 15, 2003

07:14 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Daddy taught me to love books

I just watched my Daddy begin teaching my little cousin to read a Ladybird book. I don't remember Daddy teaching me to read, since I was three or four when they started me on the Ladybird books myself. So it was wonderful to watch Daddy teach my cousin.

He's so patient, despite Shafiqah's constant repeat of "Peter and Jane! Peter and Jane!" like it's the most fascinating statement ever. I'd have strangled the little kid already. I hope I can instill the same love of books into my own kids, that Daddy instilled into his kids.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031215a

Monday, December 15, 2003

06:39 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

We drained the water tank

It's been a very, very long time since my mother had a big event at our house. The last one was my elder sister's wedding. Big events are very tiring, and I'm sad to say that my big-event-coping skills were rusty. I'm glad that most of my personal friends who did show up, showed up early. If they had come later, I would have been giving them the same tired, fake smile that I was giving various other people.

Despite being completely exhausted, and cursing the shoes I kept having to put on and take off, Mom's open house was fantastic. Met up with so many old family friends I haven't seen in a long time. Actually managed to catch up with people I haven't seen in a long time, and have concluded that some people aren't as bad as they used to be, and others have become Odious Toads.

I am glad to say, that my stiletto-wearing skills are back! I was literally running all over the garden in the Eid shoes Adik chose for me. The slate floors are hard on the balls of the feet, while on the grass, my heels kept sinking into the ground. There was just not enough time to do everything I wanted to do.

Finally, the highlight of our open house is that we drained our water tank! Despite being sweaty and sticky, no one can take a bath, because there's no water....

Mom is a tremendous organizer. I love her big events. They're so adventurous!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031215

Saturday, December 13, 2003

02:17 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Tedious Transitions

I had to take a break from facing my computer. I looked at the damned table and chair and they drove me mad. So I couldn't go online until I got over this nausea at looking at my computer table and chair.

So many things have happened since I last blogged.

I've nearly completed my latest flower in the cross-stitching project. My younger sister, whom you all know as Adik, has come home for Christmas. My mother refuses to let me invite all my friends for the open house that she is holding. When she finally relented and allowed thirteen of my closest friends to come, and I finally invited them, a third of them refused to confirm, a third outright cannot come, apparently, and the final third has yet to even RSVP my invitation. I have such appreciative friends.

I've spent a small fortune on food, and my Eid money is dwindling. I'm thinking of combining my Eid money with my meager savings, which makes just enough to finally purchase a website. Yet, I'm not sure I want to spend more money on something that will just give me more work and obligations.

It seems to me that my blog has turned into an obligation, now, rather than a place for me to express myself. I can't express myself, because I'm in absolute fear of someone reporting the contents of this blog to my mother. I'm also rather bored of dealing with the HANItrolls my statements attract. So, the only thing that keeps me blogging is that there are people who for some incomprehensible reason, love to read my blog. Including my Adik, whom I love very much.

So, it's time to revamp the blog, since I no longer feel a need to maintain the Shrine of Honesty of Sorts any longer. I just have to consider.... Do I want to spend money on it, or not? I could take Ash's advice, and find someone else to do the work for me.... Any volunteers?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031213

Saturday, December 6, 2003

01:50 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Bites on the Back

In the long run, I really have little interest in keeping close friends whose time with each other consists of backbiting mutual friends. Everytime a friend starts backbiting some other friend, I keep wondering, does he/she backbite me?

Yet, I keep such people as friends. Not close friends, but friends nonetheless. I'm not sure why.

One tends to be that to your face, they tend to be good company. Witty, friendly, and polite. I just can't help wondering what they're like behind your back.

They're such lovely people, these people who are my friends. It's such a pity that I feel forced to limit my level of trust with them. After all, such a habit is pretty Asian. I, myself, am guilty of backbiting a select few. I don't backbite everybody, but there are a few I've backbit.

Then again, I don't backbite good friends. I feel confident enough with my good friends that I insult them right to their face. I only backbite acquaintances.

Ah, my backbiting friends, never doubt that I'm very fond of you. If you're reading this, feel free to come up to me and reassure me that you don't backbite me. Unless, of course, you actually do. Then, I advise you not to lie. I'd strangle you for that.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20031206