Sunday, August 3, 2003

09:24 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

The Double-Edged Tongue

I was a judgmental little snot.

Then came the day when I, myself, did not reach my high standards.

I didn't realize it in those days, but I had been living in fear of failing my high standards. I did, and I hated myself. At least I wasn't a hypocrite. I scorned myself as much as I scorned all those others I had belittled.

Self-hatred is a madness I pray I never go through again.

I remember my Akak, snapping at me: "You're just hurting people without helping them. Stop it."

It was such a paradigm shift. You mean, instead of scorning people who failed standards, I should actually help them reach for better performance? You mean, mistakes are nothing more than stepping stones to reaching those high standards?

I not only stopped belittling other people. I stopped belittling myself.

It's so much better to actually look for those moments when people (including myself) reach my high standards and compliment them for it, than to look for those moments when they fail.

And maybe all of us (myself especially) like me a little better for it.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030803

Saturday, August 2, 2003

12:03 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Venus > Mars > Aiz?

He, though, rarely updates.

I beg, I persuade, I plead. All that effort, and maybe he writes one.

What I need to do is recruit Aiz.

Because beginning from the end of May, right up to yesterday, my boyfriend has been inspired to blog by Aiz a total of five times. That's 62% of his posts since May 31st.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030802

Friday, August 1, 2003

10:32 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Caution: Menstruation Cycle

I'm in Pain and it is my Period.

You want all my secrets? Just get me the day of and the day before my period. You'd have to survive verbal and physical abuse, loads of whining, and not being allowed to talk yourself, but you'd get all my secrets.

Okay, maybe some I'd actually be able to keep.

But I wish a male would show up right now so I could abuse him.

As far as I'm bloody concerned, men were put on earth so women could make them suffer, and thereby comfort women in their moments of suffering.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030801

Thursday, July 31, 2003

06:22 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Loving Two Ways

This entry was not archived to protect other parties mentioned in entry. To read entry, please e-mail author a request for the copy.

Request for copy does not guarantee that copy will be given. Apologies for inconvenience.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030731

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

02:00 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Love It Hate It Love It Hate It

Shirley Bassey - Never Never Never

I'm beginning to have a serious love-hate relationship with my blog.

I hate the headaches it gives me. I hate the fear I get that I've said way too much and someone will find out. I hate that people I love become targets of nasty people who don't have wit or grammar. I hate the technical problems I have to figure out and master.

But I love the people I've met through blogging. I love the focus I attain in blogging. I love having a recording of my important events online. I love the clarity that comes from choosing a topic and writing about it. I love the pride I feel from a particularly good post.

I can't figure out whether I want to stop or keep on. I can't figure out whether I want to stay here or move. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

This indecision is driving me nuts.

I'm so rarely indecisive. I normally make decisions very quickly. Admittedly, they're wrong most of the time (like ordering custom-made black leather shoes when one has little money), but they're made and all I do is then deal with the consequences of my decision.

But indecision drives me nuts. I need to just commit to one way or another, damn it.

Maybe I'm just hoping someone will sweep in and make the decision for me.

But if I wait too long, the one sweeping in might be my parents instead. And if they actually read this blog, I might be doomed.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030730

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

10:41 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Mourning a Pencil

Behold Model 108, the LAMY logo mechanical pencil (black):

Damn it, I miss my pencil. It was the damned best pencil I've ever had.

But it's so nice to have at least a picture of it. I can now show it to people and say, "Look. That's the best pencil I've ever had."

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030729a

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

01:37 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Wallet Returned

Complete with two ATM cards, two student cards, my passport photo and the piccie of my boyfriend and I, and driving license.

All money had of course disappeared.

More petty, they stole all my coffee cards. Many years of coffee purchases, faithfully chopped on those cards, taken by petty thieves. I hope they choke and die on my coffee.

Mom, of course, took the opportunity to tell me that this is a sign from God that He was teaching me a lesson to listen to my parents when it comes to safety issues.

I nodded and said yes, Mom.

Let's save the You're Not a Reader of God's Mind and Therefore Should Not Make Assumptions lecture for people who are not my parents.

My wallet was found on a tree in Lake Garden by a Bukit Aman policeman during his morning jog.

Life is so much more interesting than story books....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030729

Monday, July 28, 2003

12:50 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Blowing Money Away

I've been intending to put aside some cash, towards my own website.

I earned one hundred ringgit, working as an extra for 3R. That should have been put away. I blew it all on partying.

Now, I've ordered custom-made black leather, close-toed, ankle-strapped, three-inch stiletto heels, due next week.... That's another RM100 blowing away.

Please certify me as completely nuts.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030728

Sunday, July 27, 2003

03:40 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

More Petty Things

Interestingly, some lady showed up at the house and returned my identification card. She found it somewhere. Can't remember where she said it was.

I am one lucky girl, I am.

Now, if only someone would return me my driver's license.... and my LAMY pencil?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030727

Friday, July 25, 2003

06:39 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

I Occasionally Write Songs

The melody loosely associates with the blues.

If you have any ideas for better lyrics, please, suggest them. Or if you'd like to boost my confidence and tell me my lyrics are good, that would be nice too.

I'm down on my luck
With no money to call my own
So right here I'm stuck
No way to get home

I haven't eatened a bite
There's no one I can call
And though my head's feeling light
I'm flying while I fall

I don't get the blues.

My feet are aching
The sun burns my head
I've done too much walking
I just wanna go to bed

But there's no way home
No one there any way
I'm completely alone
Yet I smile and I say

I still don't get the blues.

People pass by and see
But they don't give a fuck
They don't care about me
In the hot sun I'm stuck

I don't have no food
I don't have no money
But here's still my mood
I am still damned happy

I never get the blues.

Don't let the day go to waste
Take your unhappy frown
On your sad little face
Turn it all upside down

Here's what you should choose:
Don't ever get the blues!!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030725a

Friday, July 25, 2003

01:43 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Update

Even without a cellphone, I can still make new friends.

My mouth just can't keep quiet, is my problem.

I keep talking to complete strangers.

And so far they've all seemed to be intelligent, polite, friendly people. No timid people who are too shy to reply to me.

Oh. And classes are good so far. They have potential.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030725

Thursday, July 24, 2003

11:11 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

My Handbag has been Stolen

Normally, I'm obsessive about taking care of my handbag. Some people go by the adage "don't put all your eggs in one basket." I put all my eggs in that single basket, and guard it like mad.

Unfortunately, today, I didn't watch my handbag.

I was too busy singing and dancing, happy to be back in college.

So some stupid motherfucking asshole on a motorbike drove up and snatched my handbag, with my whole life in it.

Can I cry yet?

I'm in college right now, without ten sen to call anybody.

I don't mind that so much. I can get free calls from college.

The irreplaceable things include my LAMY mechanical pencil, which they've discontinued making (I checked, because I live in fear of being unable to replace it.), my favourite photo of Tariq and I, the best wallet I've ever had, and everybody's phone numbers!

But other than losing things, I'm unharmed.

I'm just rather pissed off with myself for not guarding myself better even for one bloody moment.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030724