HANI's Honey

Saturday, February 8, 2003

11:24 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

blogging 4 times a day for 2 days

I am blogging way too much.

Since I've written four entries in one day for two days in a row, and definitely multiple entries for each day since I came back from Kelantan, that is the only conclusion I can reach on this situation.

Well, I am lacking much productivity lately. Once I start college, I might be able to cut down on the blogging....

Then again, it's just that I have so much to figure out in my head, lately, what with my mother's return and my sexual frustrations. They're really topics that just keep recurring without any solutions....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030208c

Saturday, February 8, 2003

11:09 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

For My Partners in Flirting!

I know there are people who disapprove of attached people flirting with people not their significant others, but really, it's a very strong habit in me, and since I have many weird, controversial habits, my Mr. Man wisely chooses which habits are important enough to change, and which are not.

Thankfully, I am happily allowed to flirt with everybody. Not that I bother flirting with other people when Mr. Man is right by my side! I have difficulty dragging my attention away from him!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030208b

Saturday, February 8, 2003

06:27 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

The Things I Don't Know about Me

Often, I wonder what do people really think of me when they read my blog, or when they meet me? Do they disapprove or admire? Do people who read my blog find me totally different in real life? What about those who met me in real life first? Did their impression of me change after reading my blog?

Do I appear different face-to-face than I seem to be on the blog? Or am I exactly like my blog? Would someone who only know me through my blog, at meeting me, be able to tell me that I'm exactly what he/she imagined? Can people really believe the face I put on my blog belongs to the person who writes it?

Just yesterday, someone mentioned that I once dressed in some see-through thing, that a person who met me for the first time that day, thought I would be a tramp. Did I change his/her mind once he/she spoke to me? Or does the impression of my trampiness linger? Am I trampy?

Does anyone even remember their first impression of me? Were those first impressions accurate or totally wrong? Which is better, to be judged accurately at first meeting, or to be peeled like an onion slowly, to discover my real personality?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030208a

Saturday, February 8, 2003

05:38 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Sleep? Dunno what that is....

This song is actually written from the man's point of view, but I think I could feminize it and apply it to me! For some reason, I keep bumping into situations where I get tempted and tempted and have to refuse.... Tariq gets jealous that I actually get into these situations, in the first place. Can't help it when people want to fuck me! heheh.

Actually, I chose to put up this song now because I talked with Tariq over the phone about the blog entry before this one. Most people think what we do most when we're together, is have sex, but in reality, I think it's talking. My god, the amount of times we re-hash the same topic over and over and over again. Oh wait, one of those topics is sex. Never mind, then.

Definitely, there are two things that make our relationship work. A good, experimental sex life and being able to discuss everything openly. Both things are completely essential to me.

Some people say sex shouldn't be important in a relationship, but I think why settle for mediocre sex when with a little exploring and "study," you can become so much better together? Any significant other who refuses to at least try different sexual stuff to please his/her significant other will most likely refuse to try to please his/her significant other in other areas of their lives as well. For example, say one woman refuses to try any other position but missionary. Say that she is also a timid housewife, who has never worked in her life. What if her husband ends up an invalid and needs her to work? Sad to say, but inflexibility in bed can also apply to life, and the timid housewife might end up prefering to run away to another man who can keep her as a timid housewife. Of course, the human race is very complicated and not so easily predictable, so there is no real guarantee that bed and life are connected in any way. It's just my theory and suspicion.

Open communication is also necessary. I hate it when people get pissed off with me and never tell me, so I have no opportunity to fix it or apologize. Doing that to me, in my opinion, means you obviously don't want me to fix whatever wrong I did, nor apologize for it, which means that you're just looking for an excuse to hate me, so you can just go nurse your hatred where I don't care about you. You want me to care, then you tell me exactly how you want me to care for you. Because my weaknesses include an inability to read minds, as well as being very, very blur and not observant. Do make things very obvious for me.

Tariq definitely fulfills the two conditions very well (when he's near me enough to have sex with), and I am more than satisfied with him. I really, really, really don't want to jeopardize decades of my future with him, for a few moments of pleasure today. So please, hot, sexy, sexually attractive people out there (all my friends!), please don't turn me on. Okay, that's not possible. Oh well, I'll just have to keep singing the song in my head....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030208

Friday, February 7, 2003

04:16 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Sex is a Handshake

First, it must be seen, that it is not that I allow anything, nor that Tariq forbids anything. It is simply that if I were to have sex with anyone else, Tariq would feel hurt. I'm sure, most people feel that way. I cannot explain why Tariq would feel hurt if I have sex with someone else. I don't understand it. I just know that he told me so, and so I refrain from having sex with other people, because I don't want to hurt him (nor have him dump me).

Now comes the explanation of why I don't mind sharing Tariq with other women. It is difficult for me to explain, because I cannot understand why a person would feel hurt if their significant other haves sex with someone else. I don't know how I grew up to have missed the idea a couple should have sex only with each other, I just did. You try to explain to me why you would feel hurt if your significant other "cheated" on you.

For me, I would feel hurt if Tariq lied to me. I would feel hurt if he stopped being in love with me. I would feel hurt if he stopped showing his love for me. I would feel hurt if he tried to "spare my feelings" and avoid dumping me long after he has stopped being in love with me. I would feel hurt if he avoided breaking up with me in person, with respect and care. I would feel hurt if he didn't appreciate my resilience, my intelligence, and my great ability to survive pain (and believe me, what with several operations, braces, migraine, period pain, and regular deliberate starvation, I suffer pain very often).

The idea of Tariq having sex with another woman does not bring the same feelings of hurt the above do. If Tariq had sex with another woman, I would feel worried about STDs, and I would be curious about what techniques he's learnt from the other woman. Okay, I admit, I'd be worried that she might be better in bed than I am. But if that were the case, I'd just ask her to teach me!

I guess I don't feel hurt if he has sex with another woman, because of how I view sex. Somewhere between the age of seventeen and twenty, I learned to view sex the same way I viewed kisses, hugs, and all other forms of physical affection (this also explains why I am sexually attracted to every single one of my close friends).

Before I met Tariq, whenever I met a man I liked and could trust, I'd get into his bed first, then slide into friendship after the lust and early mystery have gotten out of the way. I've always felt like I could trust a man a lot more after I've had sex with him. I mean, who couldn't trust a man whose balls are in your hands?

So maybe I have the attitude of a slut.... but hey, it works. Seeing how a man behaves in bed is such an insight to his character. Is he considerate of you even when he's mad with lust? Does he roll away and go to sleep after he's gotten his pleasure? How does he handle it when you suggest something to do? Is he imaginative? Does he enjoy the journey, or is he goal-oriented?

To me, sex is a better measure of a man than his handshake. It's this attitude towards sex, I'm presuming, that allows me to be unthreatened by Tariq having sex with other women: "Oh, you want to shake hands with Tammy, Regina, and Harriet? Go ahead! Why should I be jealous of you shaking hands with other women?"

I get the feeling that my viewpoint of sex is rather askewed by society's standards. I shall just say that Attention Deficit Disorder askews its' sufferer's learning processes. That's why ADD is considered a learning disability.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030207c

Friday, February 7, 2003

03:24 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

What stays Private

....

The problem about writing about other people is that when I do that, I invade their privacy. Invading Tariq's privacy is acceptable, because he belongs to me, and I can do whatever I want with him. Heheh. My friends and acquaintances, are a different matter altogether.

Even if I don't mention their names, incidents and stories will come out that will quickly identify such people to those who know the person I would speak about.

It's rather frustrating. I wrote three drafts on my thoughts and feelings on another person, and I ended up rejecting each and every one of them, because it invaded his/her privacy way too much.

It's one thing for me to bare my whole life to everyone, because I choose it and willingly accept the consequences of it. It's another thing to force even a peek of someone else's life, when that person has not expressly given his/her permission for it.

So I will just have to talk about my life, and only my life.... Oh, and Tariq's! He has no choice in the matter. He is mine! heheh

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030207b