HANI's Honey

Read Last Week for more entries written during Kelantan trip.

Friday, February 7, 2003

11:36 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Me talk to and about Tariq!

But today was very nice instead, and we had long, long talk, where he as usual attempts to get me horny and orgasming over the phone for him, while I'm not at all horny, and alternate between amusedly saying "I pat your head" patronisingly and crying about how badly I miss him.

And trust me, that's a good call.

Only Tariq can take being my boyfriend. I'd drive another man mad. Then again, the first time I encountered Tariq was of his Psychiatric File website....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030207a

Friday, February 7, 2003

12:33 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Another Personality: Horny Harny

The title of the song says it all.

This one requires so little explanation.

I am soooo damned horny. The things I've been imagining.... you don't want to know.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030207

Thursday, February 6, 2003

05:42 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Working my Ear

I spent most of the day with a phone glued to my ear. Both my ears feel quite flattened now. The nice thing is that I have discovered that my left ear works quite adequately now.

Before the operation to fix the hole in my ear drum, I could not hear a word on the phone with my left ear. I could hear high pitches well enough, but the lower ranges that the telephone uses were beyond the ability of my poor holey ear drum. I would spend hours burning my right ear, trying to have a romantic conversation with Tariq on the phone.

Today, I am glad to say that although my left ear is not as clear as my right, I can at least hear women's voices quite clearly, and some men's voices.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030206b

Thursday, February 6, 2003

01:52 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Tariq: Before and After

On the other hand, more recently, from Jenn, Tariq's best friend in London:

"He's so objective and cautious because he always thinks of you. I think he's ver sweet :o) I have to say i think he's my best friend in london because he's a guy who won't hit on me or treat me like a pair of tits! He's a top man and he's all yours!"

Yes, Jenn was talking about Tariq.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030206a

Thursday, February 6, 2003

01:09 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

an Internal Debate on Sex

The most obvious HANI is Easey Honey whose only requirement for saying yes to sex is that she knows the lover to be a relatively decent person. As in, he would never beat her up or mistreat her. Easey Honey resents the existence of her Love for her significant other, and would prefer it if her significant other would let her have sex with other people.

Then, there is the newly discovered Hanie Bunnie. She only really bloomed when her significant other left the country and demanded she remain celibate until his return. Hanie Bunnie is proud of her willpower to say no to sex. She finds a lot of extra energy for other activities that was once wasted on attracting potential lovers. She is grateful to her significant other for this opportunity to bloom so well.

Hanie Bunnie doesn't like Easey Honey because Easey Honey doesn't have much self-esteem and is not picky on lovers in any way. Hanie Bunnie thinks Easey Honey wastes a lot of emotional energy for just a few minutes of ecstasy, that more often than not, isn't all that great anyway.

Easey Honey doesn't like Hanie Bunnie very much, because Hanie Bunnie makes her life very, very, very uncomfortable. Easey Honey thinks Hanie Bunnie is missing out on a lot of fantastic opportunities that would make amazing and wonderful memories of various interesting lovers. Easey Honey thinks Hanie Bunnie is wasting her youth pining away for some uncertain future, instead of taking the opportunity to grab some awesome current adventure.

So there you have the two sides of HANI. Of course, Hanie Bunnie wins, since Tariq is a prize catch no intelligent woman lets go off, but Easey Honey grumbles anyway, and really doesn't like it. So on behalf of poor Easey Honey who is now the sad loser in HANI's mental battles with herself, we will now mentally cosh Hanie Bunnie on the head, and feel not nearly the same amount of satisfaction as we would be feeling if Easey Honey could just pick up a dick to fuck....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030206

Wednesday, February 5, 2003

10:52 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

My Family Not at Fault

On the trip back to Kuala Lumpur, however, I began to slowly realize that there was very little that my parents did that implied in any way that I was useless, slow or incompetent. It was just that my glasses were painted such a black colour, I interpreted their behaviour in the most negative manner possible.

Somewhere over the years I had become convinced that my whole family thought I was useless and incompetent. Assuming that my family thought I was useless and incompetent, I thought my family were right, and never bothered to try to be useful or competent, and I became useless and incompetent. All this while, in actuality, they were just feeling quite frustrated that I was not doing all the things they knew I was capable of.

By the time we were back in Kuala Lumpur, despite not really wanting to, I had to admit that how I behaved had nothing to do with what I am, and none of my family had ever seen me as incompetent or useless. All the past nasty thoughts I've thought, all the time I wasted hiding away from my family, all of it for no reason but the delusions of my own head.

Okay, maybe I can still get annoyed at my mother for stuffing a curfew on me. Akak says it's because Mom's feeling guilty for the years of neglect I suffered while she concentrated on my suicidal little sister.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030205

Tuesday, February 4, 2003

11:54 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Good Friends are Forever

Some of us knew each other from childhood, while others, more recently, but I know I will always want to be there for each and every one of you. We have a dental student, working managers, a journalist, seemingly eternal students, graduating students, and we all run around with such different lives and outlooks, yet we manage to stay friends. We may disagree, we may fight, we may complain and grumble, but somehow, we made a pact to stay friends no matter how often Hani strangles or molests each and everyone of them.

For all you've done for me, and for all you've tolerated from me, let me tell you that I am very grateful and I love you all.

Time stated above indicates moment entry was written.
This entry was uploaded on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 at 01:11 a.m.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030204a

Tuesday, February 4, 2003

01:59 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

a Picture on Steroids

I had a great-aunt, who insisted on self-medicating, and unknowingly took steroids every day. She was impressed by how strong the steroid pills made her feel. She's dead now. Her internal organs got so fragile, the doctors didn't even dare to do anything for fear of damaging everything further.

When my mother shouts at me, adrenaline immediately kicks in and my ADD brain is able to use that adrenaline to focus, making me efficient, capable and quick. All of a sudden, I can do whatever it is my mother shouts at me to do.

Over the long-run, though, I remember the things she shouts, and they stay and linger in my mind, like tape-recordings. They fill me with fears and insecurity. In my head, she shouts over and over and over again.

When my mind is weak, I don't wonder if what Mom shouts is true. I accept it as fact. I'm inconsiderate, slow, useless and a nuisance. I feel like a big, family photo on the wall. Most of the time, everyone ignores it, but every now and then, with a lot of complaints and grumbles, the family takes it down and makes the inconvenient effort to clean and dust the picture. Then they hang it back up and out of the way. Despite the inconvenience of the big, family photo, they never throw the picture away, because they love it, even though it's a dust-gatherer without much use.

That's what I am. That's what I feel I am when my mother shouts. Sometimes, I wish I could just kill myself or make myself disappear, but I know everybody would be upset if that were to happen, like if the stupid family photo got stolen. I feel like I'm in one big, stupid prison of love. Can't throw me away, and can't put me to use. So feed me steroids and I'll just collapse on my own, one day.

Time stated above indicates moment entry was written.
This entry was uploaded on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 at 01:00 a.m.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030204

Monday, February 3, 2003

10:30 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Panties & Nighties

I have always liked to wear clothes to please myself. That's why it's even more important for my underwear and my sleepwear to be nice, pretty and special. Outside clothes are worn to impress, please or attract other people, but my nighties, jammies, panties and bras are solely to please me. (I don't bother pleasing Tariq with clothes. He thinks clothes gets in the way of sex.)

I cannot understand how any girl can stand to wear ugly, rayon underwear day-in, day-out or sleep peacefully in clothes that don't please them.

Then again, I actually sleep nude....

Time stated above indicates moment entry was written.
This entry was uploaded on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 at 12:54 a.m.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030203a