HANI's Honey

Being dragged to Kelantan by mother. Will return on Tuesday evening.

Monday, February 3, 2003

03:34 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

A Letter I'll Never Send

Do you think if I cut myself up, I might be able to study better, like Adik? Why is it, when Adik cut herself up, you got her help?

Tell me, why didn't you just ground Adik and shout and scream at her, "Why would you go and do something so stupid? When will you change?! When will you change?!" Why didn't you ban her from going out and spending money? Why didn't you treat her like a failure for cutting herself up?

What's the difference between cutting up your arm and cutting up your education and future? I did you the courtesy of avoiding any physical damage to my body. I don't cut myself, I don't attempt suicide, I don't pick up bulimia.

Must I do all that before you see that my problems have been going on for far longer and are more dangerous to me now, than Adik's? I don't know who to turn to and I don't know where to go, when you would treat someone who's killing herself with punishments and demands to straighten herself up.

That's what you're doing to me, and I pray so much that I don't ever have to tell you how disappointing and untrustworthy I find you to be. I love you so much.

Thank you for all you've done. I tried to make it enough, but I'm so sorry that it wasn't.

Time stated above indicates moment entry was written.
This entry was uploaded on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 at 12:33 a.m.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030203

Sunday, February 2, 2003

01:13 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Cousin my age is richer than I am

It's the first time I've seen him married. I couldn't attend his wedding. He's made a really good life for himself. A wife, a baby, and he's now heir to his father-in-law's satay business, which with hard work, bring in five hundred to fifteen hundred ringgit of profits daily.

I envy him the stability of his life. Everything of mine is still so uncertain. No certainty of marriage, no certainty of getting a degree or a good job, no certainty of my very own abilities and capabilities.

To think that as a child, I looked down at Nizam as the poorer, less educated cousin. I was a kid then. He works harder. He doesn't run around looking for a short-cut. When the going gets tough, he just buckles down and keeps going, step by slow step. Is this something I can really learn?

I'm so scared to go back to school, in case I find out that I can't buckle down when the going gets tough. What would I do then?

Mom asked me once, if I had self-esteem problems. I was so surprised that my mother would know me so little that she has no clue how inadequate I feel in school and among the family.

Time stated above indicates moment entry was written.
This entry was uploaded on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 at 12:23 a.m.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030202

Saturday, February 1, 2003

06:39 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

I'm a big stupid baby

There is, of course, the training I received as a child, as well, to sit quietly and behave. Don't do this and don't do that. I guess what I hate most about being in an enclosed space with my family for a lenthy period, is the lengthy period I feel incompetent, useless and helpless.

I'm such a baby to my family. That's the way they treat me. It's my responsibility to change that preconception, for sure, but how can I be anything other than a big stupid baby when I feel like one? No matter what I've done, and no matter how I've changed, in front of my family, I revert right back to helpless, useless, quiet, incompetent Hani who has to have everything done for her, and given specific instructions. Any information and opinions she rarely gives, is also suspect.

My cowardly solution: spend the whole time in the car singing songs or sleeping.

Maybe someday I'll make the effort to grow up.

Time stated above indicates moment entry was written.
This entry was uploaded on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 at 12:10 a.m.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030201a

Saturday, February 1, 2003

01:12 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

naughty things I do in my bedroom

It's been months since I had the privacy to read masturbate while reading an erotica. So satisfying.

Masturbating to your own fantasies is not the same as masturbating to someone else's written work.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030201

Friday, January 31, 2003

06:11 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

HANI is not HANI's Honey

I want people to visit my blog. I'm not even sure why. I mean, to what benefit would I want people to visit my blog? Other than plain ol' pride, but where does my blog's popularity get me?

Yet I keep obsessing about improving my blog, to the point that I'm wondering if I could ask my parents to buy me a proper domain name for my next birthday! Since my birthday just passed, and I'm ADD, any plans for my next birthday gets forgotten within a month.

I need a life that's better than the blog. I don't want my whole life to end up being about a blog! It would in the end, make for very little content within the blog. I can just see it now:

"Today, I spent all day re-writing the archives of my very first week!"

Shudder.

I love blogging, and it is definitely a serious part of my life. I would love to have it under my own domain (http://www.hanishoney.my sounds nice, don't you think?) but this blog entry is reminding myself that the most important part of blogging, is that I write about the parts of my life that have nothing to do with blogging.

Okay, the parts of my life that have little to do with blogging.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030131a

Friday, January 31, 2003

05:05 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

mourning comes in threes

Sometimes, I chose to put up lyrics instead of a proper entry because it was easier to let the lyrics speak for me, than for me to speak myself. Sometimes, things feel so bad, or things feel so good, that only song captures the emotion. This is one of those times.

From now on, instead of putting the lyrics of the chosen song within the blog entry itself, I'm putting the lyrics on another page, with a short explanation of why I choose that song.

This time round, the song is for three different incidents that just put a lot of misery in my head. First, is the death of my own cousin, Noreha, whom I still mourn. Second is one of my best friends' cousin dying just this morning. Third, is for the delay of Tariq's return to Malaysia. Again.

How many times has he pushed back his return date, already?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030131

Thursday, January 30, 2003

07:51 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Oxymoron of the Year

Dancing stillness. Loud silence. Miserable joy. Boring fun!

The boss is thinking of calling me up again anytime they have extra work that needs doing. Hee! Fun.

I feel pride. Hey, one more boss who wants to re-hire me. (The other boss was when I worked for Body Shop, and I have an open invitation to work for her at any time.) Bosses like me. I have a good work ethic. I have initiative and I give my work my all, without complaint.

Now why doesn't that apply to school? Sure it does. For the first semester. I wonder how my work would deteriorate if I worked longer than a few months?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030130b

Thursday, January 30, 2003

12:42 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

I got myself a job

My right ear is flat. I'm partially deaf on my left ear. That means, I can't hear a thing with it over the telephone, so I can only use my right ear. I call people up and ask for the IT department, then check the brand of antivirus software they use, and confirm their physical address. I don't think I can work telephones in the long-run. My ear would meld into my head and disappear.

Other than that, I like working. I feel competent and useful when I'm working. I much prefer working over studying. I do not feel competent, nor useful, when I am studying. Do I really have to go back to school?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030130a

Thursday, January 30, 2003

08:23 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

why I like my blog's popularity

Have been thinking about why my blog interests so many. Have gotten maybe a little insight into it. I recall my younger sister being very fond of those Adrian Mole diaries, and my friends in New York are all fascinated by the Real World shows. My blog could probably hold the interest of the people who are fond of reading people's diaries and watching real people's lives.

I've never held interest in such things myself, but I'm still quite glad that people like to read my blog. I'm not sure why. Maybe because it feels like they're listening (or reading, rather!) to me, and I'm sure everybody likes being listened to. It could also be because I do feel a need to affect people's lives, linger in their memories, and make a little difference. It doesn't have to be a lot of difference, but if I stick in people's minds in some way, with a glimpse of a different point of view or a different way of life, then that's great to me.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030130

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

04:31 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

CC: I'm giving you an award!

If you've read my blog, you'll notice in Picture on this Page that I've awarded you as my Best Linker. This means among all the blogs that have a link to me, your link is the most used! Over 700 people have to come to my blog through links from your blog.

I just wanted to give the award to celebrate my new layout. Congratulations and thanks for your support and the support of all your blog's visitors who then visit my blog!

Keep enjoying, HANIfans!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030129a