My site is seventh in ranking on both Google and Yahoo when you search for "hani."

This means that my brother could find it. Maybe even my other family members!

Dear family members: Should you come across this website, welcome to my personal diary. Now go away and don't read another word.

What do you think? Should I put that up to replace my disclaimer?

After two years of avoiding all stressful family dynamics, I am right in the thick again, and all I want to do is get out of the way as fast as possible. Argh. Families. You want them desperately when they're off God-knows-where, but when they're with you day in, day out, you end up wanting to pound everybody's heads against each other and scream, "You're family! Act like it!"

Extended families are an even worse headache, really. I think having friends is a lot easier. I had tons of friends over last night. We had pizza, and I freaked several people with the awesome song Put it in Your Mouth by Akinyele. Heheh.

I need to face the facts that I intend to make Tariq's family my own by extension. I need to act it, never mind that they don't want me to act it. I just need to screw up the courage.... Any witches around with bottles of Courage?

Yet, Noreha is gone, without ever having seen Mecca. I'm glad my mother dragged me there. At least, I already have memories of the Holy City.

It is unknown how much time God has allotted for one's stay on Earth. I want as many good memories as I can make of this beautiful world and life on loan, before it all ends.

I think, possibly, it was no coincidence that the only time I was finally able to visit Noreha throughout the year of her illness, she left the world. Her death was meant to affect me, and I want to make sure it does.

Time stated above indicates moment entry was written.
This entry was uploaded on Monday, January 20, 2003 at 04:15 p.m.

Before, when I screwed some assigned work, people would treat me as if I'm inconsiderate and lazy. Now, they just remind me that I have work to do and they carry on with whatever they were doing.

I wish I could really describe the difference. Maybe if I gave a scenario. How about the basic problem of my room-cleaning.

Before my ADD was discovered, and I failed to clean up my room because I had unearthed a pile of comics I'd forgotten were there, they would scold me: "Stop reading your stupid comics and just clean your room, Hani! Why must I always shout and scold you before you clean up your room? Don't you pity how hard I work? All I'm asking of you is to clean up your room, and even that you cannot do...."

Now I failed to clean up my room because I was exploring cupboards in the kitchen and they would say: "Hani, have you cleaned up your room yet?" I would go back to cleaning up my room, then start organizing my books in alphabetical order while my floor is covered with dirty clothes, so they say: "Hani, clean your floor. Never mind the books yet."

It often feels like I'm a kid that needs near constant supervision, but it feels a lot better to be treated as an absent-minded bimbo than a lazy, selfish brat. It is such an amazing relief to be able to do my chores without feeling miserable while I'm doing it.

Despite having stayed up really late last night, I am sleepy now, when the clock hasn't even struck eleven at night yet.

My mind has difficulty thinking today. Drowned it in various romance books and a DVD brought in by TJ. She and Nina didn't seem very impressed with the beauty and delightfulness of my new room. Lacking in taste. Pah.

I am now at my new computer table and my new chair. Both from Ikea! I am in the middle of the new furniture arrangement for my room. I have been playing around with the Maxis Mobile Interactive Services for my new cellphone line.

I cleaned up my room so nice and clean, only to have it really untidy all over again. Bugger it all.

Now I'm hot and hungry and tired and quite cranky. I'm anxious about the state of my room, switching to a new phone, my lack of a key into my own goddamned house, the gazillion chores I've set myself and my lack of money. Topping it all off, my boyfriend wants a picture of me. I have gazillions to stress about with adding a stupid technical buggering digital camera into it.

Except I keep feeling guilty. ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

I have got my new computer table and chair, but only the table is assembled. Daddy and I did it last night. Took about an hour with Daddy's new battery-operated screwdriver. He was very happy with it. I turned all the Allen key screws and read the instruction manual that was very lousily written. Thank God I am expert at deciphering stupid instruction booklets. I also hammered five nails in the same amount of time that Daddy hammered fifteen.

Not allowed to transfer computer to new table until suitcase is unpacked, however. Yes, I haven't unpacked my suitcase.

....

Go visit my test blog and leave my room alone, you.

Noreha was the eldest of my set, being two years older than I am. Then came Suria, Ida and Ikmal, then Izwan and I, then my younger sister, and finally, Dayah. Noreha, as eldest of our set, was the leader. She was a natural leader, very much like a big sister, a mediator of our fights, which is strange now that I look back, because for nearly half a decade, she was the baby of her immediate family.

I can reminisce on the young Noreha, but I didn't really know the Noreha who was in her twenties. I had New York during most of the clan gatherings for the past five years. It's so ironic that when Mom and I are finally able to join family gatherings, the cousin of my set that I respected the most, will never be able to join the gatherings again. I miss my childhood in Johor, but more, I've missed the chance to get to know Noreha over again.

For the past year she had been fighting leukemia. It was cleared some time before Eid and she was doing well, but she had a relapse and went back to the hospital. Apparently, the second round of leukemia was very bad. She was handling the chemo and medication pretty well, but the day we visited her, her oxygen level suddenly dropped to 93% and stayed around there for two hours.

Around seven, her oxygen level rapidly dropped. The doctors and nurses fought for her so hard. They had to manually pump oxygen in her, because she was in a normal ward, not in the ICU, and they didn't have respirator machines in the normal wards. Her oxygen level went below 40% at one point. The nurses managed to bring it back up, but Noreha had stopped breathing.

She was basically only still alive because they kept pumping oxygen into her. Her parents chose to take Noreha home and there, they took her off the respirator. Five minutes later, around two something in the morning, she was dead.

So many people showed up for her funeral. It was so amazing. There were so many rounds of tahlil prayers for her the whole day. People just kept coming.

I will always remember when the family was called to give her our last kisses. Her face was so peaceful, after a year of terrible, painful battles with her leukemia. We all were trying so hard not to cry. Then they covered her body up, and I lost the urge to cry. I don't know why. It felt like I had no reason to. I just felt peace and love for Noreha.

So I'm okay, though really, really lacking in sleep.

I went to a wedding in Seremban, and I visited my cousin in a hospital in Johore. My cousin died around two hours ago at age 23.

Don't ever visit a hospital in four-inch heels. You'll never know when the patient goes into some sudden medical emergency and you end up waiting for six hours in the hospital with few places to sit down.

This entry entered and uploaded by Tariq.

Tariq adds: Hani's cousin died today. Right now she's feeling pretty down and low, and requested me to type up an entry for her blog, because she has no computer access in Johore. Much as I sympathise for her, and despite how insensitive it is, I must state using FONT tags is bad.