1. A sense of underachievement, of not meeting one's goals (regardless of how much one has actually accomplished).

Now if anyone has been reading my blogs on a regular basis, you will remember that I complain about being 21 years old and not having done anything worthwhile. This is the sense of underachievement I suffer.

2. Difficulty getting organized.

Anyone who knows me knows this! Who can say that Hani is organized? Hani could not even organize a Thespian event in any way as its President. Hani cannot manage to organize a meeting among YCCians. This is why she always delegates to Yu San or TJ. Hee hee.

3. Chronic procrastination or trouble beginning a task.

Who hasn't heard of Hani complaining about not wanting to start work? Who doesn't know that Hani procrastinates even eating?

4. Many projects going simultaneously; trouble with follow-through.

President of Thespians. College. Great Malaysian Blogs Reviews. Blog re-design. Various business ideas. Personal research. Packing to go back to Malaysia. I could list a lot more stuff, trust me.... All not being done in any time soon.

5. Tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the time or appropriateness of the remark.

I have this mostly under control with two techniques. The first, is to make being outspoken a fashion statement. "I am cool and crazy, and I will say whatever I like whenever I like." This is used mostly among peers. The second, is to shut up. Say as little as possible. I use this among elders I suspect I cannot get away with being cool and crazy to.

6. A restive search for high stimulation.

The reason why I get into so many stuff and not finish them. The reason why I surf on the net constantly. The reason why I like to wander around Kuala Lumpur in my car in the middle of the night.

7. A tendency to be easily bored.

"AMUSE ME! I'M BORED!" Does anyone else recongnize one of my favourite phrases?

8. Easy distractibility, trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune out or drift away in the middle of a page or a conversation, often coupled with an ability to hyperfocus at times.

I hyperfocus when I'm reading a book. You can call me and call me, and I won't hear you. I can however go off into my own little head while someone is talking to me. Especially if it's a group conversation.

9. Often creative, intuitive, highly intelligent.

My new blog, my little dolls, my old fiction work (I rarely write stories anymore, though), my poetry. IQ of over 130.

10. Trouble in going through established channels, following proper procedure.

I slept through most of secondary school. I rarely showed up for college classes. I seem to act like rules are there to be ignored....

11. Impatient; low tolerance for frustration.

NOW. No waiting!

12. Impulsive, either verbally or in action.

I spent my money very recklessly. I skip classes on impulse. I went for the modeling classes very impulsively.

13. Tendency to worry needlessly, endlessly; tendency to scan the horizon looking for something to worry about alternating with inattention to or disregard for actual dangers.

I get scared to write an essay, but I don't worry about failing college? Does that not fit the above perfectly?

14. Sense of impending doom, insecurity, alternating with high-risk-taking.

I get convinced that I will fail college, so I take the high risk of skipping a mid-semester test for the immediate joy of getting measured up for new eid clothes.

15. Mood swings, depression, especially when disengaged from a person or a project.

Go read my past entries.

16. Restlessness.

Piles and piles and piles of coffee are good for restlessness. Other is reading romance novels.

17. Tendency toward addictive behaviour.

Internet, romance novels, sleeping, not eating.... If only I were stupid enough to try some serious addictive behaviour....

18. Chronic problems with self-esteem.

I am Perfect. Don't argue with me.

19. Inaccurate self-observation.

I am not so Perfect?

The numbered statements are the criteria of a disorder by psychiatrists Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey. Since I haven't gone for any official diagnosis, I don't know for sure if I suffer this disorder or not.

This is why, I won't say what disorder it is. If anyone of you recognize what disorder it is, I'd appreciate it if you don't voice it out in connection to me. Thank you.

Whether I suffer it or not, it doesn't matter. What is important is that I learn how to deal with these behaviours of mine that are similar to the disorder. By learning from people who have overcome this disorder, I hope I too, can overcome my own problems.

They made fun of Mommy. One of her staff spoofed her: "Kevin! Where's my speech?" "Devon! Devon! Where's Devon? Ah, Devon, find Jonathan!" They sang songs of her. They commended her and spoke of her accomplishments and how much she changed in the United Nations.

I am so glad I got a chance to hear all that. For so many years, all I knew of Mom was that she was really busy, and didn't have as much time for me as I would like her to have. I resented her colleagues and underlings for having more of her time than I do.

Now I see, that they needed her more than I did. They deserved her mentoring, leadership and help because mom and they were serving the greater good. I'm sure no one outside of the United Nations sees the work that Mom did, but as the head of the Office of Human Resources Management, all the people who serve and will serve the United Nations benefit from the better training, evaluation and reward systems that Mom helped set up.

What Mom has done in the United Nations for the past five years, helps the United Nations people be better than ever. Indirectly, Mom has made the work United Nations does better than ever, through its better human resources.

Now I know how much Mom has done, I think not having as much time with Mom as I would have liked, is not such a bad trade-off after all.

So I was pleased to find that I had turned 32D. Until Mom and I started shopping for new bras today. I had forgotten how difficult it is to find 32D.

For some reason, manufacturers think that only A cups have 32 bust lines and D cups have nothing less than 38 bust lines. Completely ridiculous. Having gotten used to the variety available to the 34C size, it was so frustrating to hunt for a single 32D bra. The prices for the bras we found were high as well.

So here's a painful lesson in being careful of what you ask for....

They are annoyed with me for not hanging out more with them, but they have no idea that if I don't avoid hanging out with them, I'd end up being annoyed with them! So they're getting on my nerves.

So maybe I'm not the most perfect daughter in the world. They're not the most perfect parents either. Sigh. That's why I tolerate so much of their quirks, when they seem to tolerate so little of mine. I want to cry.

I really feel like I'm twelve instead of twenty-one when I'm with my parents. I can't even genuinely think right now. I shouldn't be writing this until I'm ready to think.

Except that I feel much better, and now I can take a deep breath from the diaphragm and roll my eyes at my mother. Smile at her and pretend that I don't want to drug her to her gills.