Hmm, maybe I'm ovulating again....

I really need to start keeping track of my menstrual cycle.

I wanna go where there are no demands of me, and no expectations that I don't want to fulfill. I want to go where I'm hugged and kissed and cuddled and told that I'm just the way I should be, whatever way I wanna be. If only I could go there, for an hour or two a day....

Being at home is so quietly stressful. All these people just watching me and watching my coming and going and they just watch me.

It's so strange how I'm such a touchy-feely person, but to my family, I give vibes of don't-touch-me. That's wrong. I want a hug so bad. I want a big smile and a tight hug when I come home, not a puzzled glance at me and then going back to whatever they're doing. I'm not a bloody ghost just running around my own home, damn it.

I don't want to go anywhere but to Tariq, who'll give me that greeting. Guaranteed. Always.

Then, being extremely tired, I looked forward to a nice night of hanging out with my two cousins who are sisters. They just came back from Australia. One is 22 and the other is 19. They had to spoil my night with a fight.

I was quite annoyed with both of them for spoiling my relaxing night, but unlike the two idiots that they are, I have a sense of control, and I do not let my emotions (other than fear) rule me. Instead, I played counselor to both.

Let me tell you about arguing. Number one. Don't do it in front of other people. You have a grievance, save it for later. Trust me, you are human, and therefore able to temporarily control your actions, despite how hurt/angry/in pain you feel.

Second, don't use the words "always" and "never." Don't use any words that have nothing to do with your grievance. As in, don't talk about yesterday, don't talk about tomorrow, and don't talk about how your opponent is a lousy sister, when your grievance is that you don't want to know that the man who dumped you has found a new girlfriend, or anything else about your ex-boyfriend. It just confuses the message.

They snapped at each other, fought, argued, and got hurt, and nothing got resolved whatsoever. The most stupid thing in the world. I wanted to slap them both, and if I had taken my car, I would have slammed money on the table for a taxi, and walked out on them. Fortunately for the two idiots, they were the one with the car.

Because they argued in front of me, I was forced to be involved in a topic I couldn't care shit about. I listened to both idiots telling me their own sides of the stories so clearly, yet they couldn't express those clear stories to each other.

I hate getting involved, getting tangled. It makes me feel so helpless, trying to get them to invoke some logic in their heads when they're reacting out of their surface emotions. I admit to being able to draw out people's little secrets. Not the "I committed a crime" type, but the "I feel vulnerable" type secrets. The secrets of how they feel about something or someone. All I can do with those secrets, is keep them. No matter how stupid or wrong-headed their feelings, I know it's useless trying to change their minds. They have to learn things the hard way.

So I hate it when they involve me, when I know I make very little difference to the ease of the lessons they must learn. Those lessons, they will learn from the hard knocks' school of life, and not from me, no matter how hard I try to teach.

Leave me out of your arguments. You can come to me in heartache and confusion, and I'll be there, but I don't want to counsel both sides. They just demand I choose sides. Then when I refuse, they side with each other against me.