Very, very, very bad.

Don't speak to me. Don't think of me.

Want a knife...

.....

Today, I promised to take most best-est groupmate ever (Debra), and her boyfriend to KLIA (George). Her bf was going home to Seychelles. Erm, is Mauritius in Seychelles, or is Seychelles in Mauritius? I get confused.... Or are they neighbours?

Never mind.

Congestion was very bad. Was late to pick up Debra and bf. George missed his plane to Singapore by like a minute. Luckily, George was on Singapore Airlines, and not the accursed Malaysia Airlines (yes, I happily insult my country's lousy airline services) and was placed on a later flight. Debra most graciously did not blame me for being late, though I feel very very bad for it.

She even paid for dinner! And refused to accept money-back that I owe her. Debra is too gracious. Feel guilty. Me made George miss plane because me late. Never mind that Malaysian congestion evil.

But hey, after that, there was no urge to hit Tariq anymore... So the cure to PMS is adrenaline.

If you do, do e-mail me about it. I'd love to hear if anyone else has a stupider item they're afraid of.

Because, ladies and gentlemen, with great embarassment, I announce to this Shrine of Honesty of Sorts that I am afraid of showing up for class.

Don't ask me why. And don't give that confused, disgusted look on your face.

My fear is not rational.

Don't try to be logical and tell me all the reasons that there is nothing to be afraid of.

Tomorrow, my boyfriend has promised to hold my hand all the way to the front door of my first class. Like a kid who's being sent to school for the very first time. Bloody hell.

Or not to go?

What a question. Good, A-Smart Students would not even ask that question. They would go.

But I? Sigh.

I wonder....

First. Jet-lagged, which means that although I have to wake up around ten in the morning, I can't sleep until past five in the morning.

Second. Wake up at nine thirty in the morning instead. With very sore eyes. Very very very sore eyes. Boyfriend refuses to drive.

Third. Day is like being on an open desert. Heat and more heat, and cloudless sunlight streaming into my sore eyes.

Fourth. Driving to Shah Alam feels like driving across a whole American state when you're on several days of little sleep.

Fifth. Heat, driving and jet-lag combined is a bad combination.

Sixth. Tariq's little sister decides she wants to watch MIB II today because she miraculously doesn't have homework and therefore it's not tomorrow as supposed previously, and promises to take Tariq's little sister to MIB II must be kept, despite tight schedule.

Seventh. Nina's festival doesn't have much in terms of food. Good thing I have a natural inclination for starving.

Eighth. My younger sister calls me and incorehently demands I come home and have lunch with her, because she wants to cry on my shoulder because she had fights with both her boyfriend and her ex-boyfriend. So leave Nina's festival promptly.

Ninth. Saturday afternoon is not a good time to drive. Bright, cloudless day, combined with jet-lagged sore eyes, and physical tiredness, endless traffic congestions and worrying about how to juggle cuddling own sister and keeping promise to boyfriend's sister, time-wise, and trying to send TJ home!

Tenth. Canceled on my own sister. Congestion made it impossible to reach her. Besides, she had my brother's sister-in-law with her, who is a much better shoulder to cry on than me. But felt extremely bad and guilty about it anyway. So add guilt on top of near heatstroke, near starvation, near exhaustion, and damned fucking sore eyes.

Eleventh. Take Tariq's sister to KLCC to watch MIB II. Saturday. Long, long, long, very, very long line to buy tickets. And packed tight. Feel faint. Leave Tariq and sister to stay in line. Went to nearby Coffee Bean and took away a chicken pie. Life saver, but cold.

Twelfth. Ajantha calls. Apparently, I was supposed to go out with her after going to Nina's festival. Erm, all I remember was that I was supposed to call her after going to Nina's festival, which with the aforementioned headaches, made me forget. Feel more guilt to pile on top of all the above.

Thirteenth. Calmed all down during movie, and managed to drag myself through family dinner with intentions of collapsing to sleep immediately after.... except called Tariq. And had big, stupid, pointless fight. We sort of made up of course, but I made him all upset. Bad day.

Arrived Wednesday, sometime before 8 in the morning, Kuala Lumpur Standard Time. I feel rather disoriented. College started on Tuesday. I haven't attended a single class. Shall show up on Monday. At least I know what classes I'm gonna take! (Which I didn't when I first got off the airplane.)

I haven't been blogging. Mostly because nowadays I only manage to get online at 3 in the morning, and by that time, my head is no longer connecting properly. Not that it is right now, either. But I felt compelled to announce my success.

Horny is my song. I have been fond of it for years. My anthem, as some people say.

Truthfully, I haven't been in the mood to blog. I feel very happy nowadays. Deep down in the heart, unshakeable happy. Yet, there's this part of me that's afraid that it's not really that deep, and that it's just surface. I'm afraid that if I scratch just a little deeper, I'll be happy no longer. So I avoid blogging in this Shrine of Honesty of Sorts.

So allow me to cling on to what happiness I find, because the circle turns, my friends, and misery goes, but it comes back, as surely as happiness goes and comes back again. Okay. Enough marring of the Shrine of Honesty of Sorts.

Somewhere on the other side of this wide night
and the distance between us, I am thinking of you.
The room is turning slowly away from the moon.

This is pleasurable. Or shall I cross that out and say
it is sad? In one of the tenses I singing
an impossible song of desire that you cannot hear.

La lala la. See? I close my eyes and imagine
the dark hills I would have to cross
to reach you. For I am in love with you and this

is what it is like or what it is like in words.

Tonight, I'm going clubbing again! And tomorrow night too!