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Disclaimer - Everything on this website is done pretty much without thinking. Any offence or mental disturbance resulted in interacting with this website and its author is completely unintentional and sadly regretted.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

07:53 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

The Shrine is Closed

Darling, give me your absence tonight
Take the shade from the canvas and leave me the white
Let me sink in the silence that echoes inside
And don't bother leaving the light on

'Cause I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
And I ran my hand o'er a strange inversion
A vacancy that just did not belong
The child is gone

Honey, help me out of this mess
I'm a stranger to myself
But don't reach for me, I'm too far away
I don't wanna talk 'cause there's nothing left to say

So my darling, give me your absence tonight
Take all of your sympathy and leave it outside
'Cause there's no kind of loving that can make this alright
I'm trying to find a place I belong

And I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
And I ran my hand o'er a strange inversion
As the darkness turns into the dawn
The child is gone
The child is gone

Fiona Apple - The Child is Gone

I will inform everyone via the kotaraya mailing list when I start blogging again. Thanks for all of your support.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20040321

Thursday, February 12, 2004

12:59 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Exam Day

It's been a damned long while since I blogged.

In half an hour, I'm supposed to walk into the exam hall for my first exam of the day. I got another exam at 6p.m.

I confess that I'm not sure that I'm ready for my first exam. I feel like I've forgotten everything I studied.

I keep feeling stupid. Then I keep telling myself that I'm smart.

But I still feel damned stupid.

Ah well. Regardless of how one feels, the exams will still be held, and the examiner will mark however he wants to. I just hope Daddy's right and that examiners really want to find excuses to pass you.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20040212

Thursday, January 29, 2004

10:20 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Just a Moody Rant

I'm feeling very moody.

I slept nearly the whole day. But I still feel damned tired.

My head hurts. Probably from dehydration.

I've studied shit. As in I haven't studied at all, in case you're lacking in intelligence and you don't understand what I'm saying.

Will be going off to Kelantan for Eid. Maybe I can force myself to study there.

Here's hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20040129

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

02:40 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

The Shrink Skipped Town

Argh. Psychiatrists.

A goddamned psychiatrist put me on Paroxetine four weeks ago, and told me to come back and see her last week. Except that when I went to see her last week, she had gone on holiday, the stupid bitch. Without even cancelling our appointment.

Now my medication is running out, and apparently, the next time I can see her is two days before my exam! As in, I'm going be without the medication she prescribed to me for two weeks!

Damn it, the Paroxetine has been helping. I actually finished my assignment a week before it was due, because I wasn't panicking and feeling ridiculously anxious. For the first time in a very long time, I did an assignment without beating myself up mentally.

It's so bloody frustrating. She fed me stupid drugs I didn't really want when I was not really depressed or anxious, but when depression and anxiety time looms, she disappears! I might as well have notpaid good money to see the stupid bitch.

I tried to get another doctor to see me, but apparently these stupid psychiatrists, for some weird reason, only see private patients on Tuesdays, and next Tuesday, the private clinic will be closed for Eid.

Yay. Hooray. I'll bomb the whole hospital.

Sigh. Rant finished. Feel better now. At least Tariq will back on the first of February and he can help me study through my anxiety and depression for this semester's exams.

Is one allowed to at least verbally abuse one's psychiatrist? Considering that one is a private patient who's paying her?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20040128

Monday, January 26, 2004

07:44 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

A Fond Wish

PJ Harvey - This is Love

Love is not easy. It's like one has to earn the right to be together. Every year, Tariq and I face new obstacles and challenges to the dream of just loving each other.

I don't begrudge the fact that we'll have to suffer the drudgery of work and house-cleaning or the impositions of extended families. I understand that there will always be times when Tariq and I fight, and that there will always be someone trying to rain on our parade.

I'd just like more of those lovely moments where we play, frolic, and enjoy each other's company, along with the "dread," and "suffering" of our "complex" lives.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20040126

Saturday, January 24, 2004

09:16 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Tales UnTold

Wow. So many stories to tell, and so little time to tell them....

I finished my assignment a whole week before it's due! First time ever.

I'm getting somewhat disappointed with my own quality of blog posts. I just don't have the time and energy to pour my heart into it the way I used to.

It's like driving. I can only do two things effectively. While driving, I can either drive safely and navigate, or drive safely and talk to my passengers. This means that when I have passengers, I often get lost, because I can't navigate. I do not get lost when I don't have passengers though.

In the same way, I can blog and socialize. I can blog and study. I can study and socialize. But I can't study, socialize, and blog.

And believe you me, of the three, my blog is now at the bottom. Exams are coming up soon, and even socializing has to give way, because I have to up my studying. In truth, I don't really up my studying. I up my emotional stress, which means I spend half my time mentally running around in panic and anguish, like a fish gasping for air on land.

Maybe I'll resurface after my exams. Then again, maybe not. Who knows? We'll see.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20040124

Saturday, January 17, 2004

11:26 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Missing

Blog, blog, blog.

I like blogging. But it takes some time and effort, it does.

And my time and effort is now focused on studying. It really is. So I'm too lazy to do anything with my blog. Including changing the picture.

I think I misplaced my camera, anyway....

Oops. And the other day I misplaced a whole hundred ringgit note. I have yet, however, to misplace my new Lamy pen/pencil. Yes, my new Lamy pen/pencil.

It switches! From pen to pencil and back again. Cost me a small bundle of money. Will not tell you how much. I am considering replacing my old Lamy pencil, in addition to my new Lamy pen/pencil.

Yup, they have my old Lamy pencil once more! God is kind. It's like a sign! But all that nice money could go to coffee or shoes....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20040117

Thursday, January 15, 2004

01:25 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Follow the HANIexample

I have a new younger sister. Her name is Ruby, and she is fourteen years old.

Actually, she's a cousin from Kelantan, but we brought her over to Kuala Lumpur, since Kota Bharu is not conducive to educational success. She's very shy, and her English vocabulary is very limited.

She's studying very hard, though. Probably for the first time in her life. She got three C's for UPSR.

The strange thing now is that I'm apparently her example. She studies every night now, improving her English and Mathematics, because I study every night. It's quite creepy, being held up as an example. Adik and I have always been the babies of the family. We followed the example of our elder siblings.

It's just really weird and disturbing....

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20040115

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

04:06 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Statistics is a Foreign Tongue

It's forty minutes away from the end of a long, tedious class. I'm very proud of myself.

I nearly skipped this stupid class, but I told myself, "Hani, it's regression, and you have to understand how to do regression, so you must attend the class and resist the urge to strangle your classmates."

So here I am, fighting against all urges to kick idiotic people out of the class before they irreparably harm computers they don't know how to use. I got to go back to the damned regression now. I need to figure out how to use the p-value to confirm or reject hypotheses.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030113a

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

01:50 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Stealing Class Time

I'm blogging while in class! Hee! Naughty girl! Spank me!

Unfortunately, there are limited computers, and all the computers with SPSS have been taken, so I can't do the work... Luckily I am computer savvy and I also have a pirated copy of SPSS at home.

Maybe I shouldn't have admitted that.

Anyway, I will at least pay attention to class now. Goodbye!

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20040113

Monday, January 12, 2004

10:26 a.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Studying in Code

I have this slight problem with Analytical Marketing.

I spend half my Analytical Marketing study time figuring out what I should be studying, instead of actually studying.

This is because it is a very disorganized subject. The textbook is full of words that don't seem to be saying anything, and the subject's resource manual keeps changing terms and symbols on me! Why do the terms "regression analysis" and "causal method analysis" have to be interchangeable? Why can't we pick just one of 'em and stick to that? And that damned book has tons of things like that!

It's terribly irritating. It's like everything's in code, and I have to break the code before I can study!

I much prefer studying for Marketing Research. Marketing Research is very organized. They use the same terms each time, the terms are clearly defined, the explanations are not all over the place, but in specifically placed parts of the textbook, neatly indexed and clearly stated in the content pages.

I thank God that Analytical Marketing has a good teacher. That's why I'm actually attending classes at 8 in the morning. It's the only way I can figure out what the hell we're supposed to be learning.

I assure you that relying on the teacher is not my favourite method of studying. Usually, books make more sense to me. But whoever chose or wrote the books for Analytical Marketing was mentally disorganized.

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20040112

Sunday, January 11, 2004

09:10 p.m. Kuala Lumpur Standard Time

Naughty HANI

Have no clue what to say tonight. I've been naughty for my birth-weekend. I've done only two hours of studying on Friday and Saturday, and I woke up on Sunday with a migraine which turned into these pockets of dizziness, so I couldn't make sense of Analytical Marketing whatsoever, and have therefore barely studied today.

I watched the Season 3 of Stargate SG-1 which I borrowed from Annie instead. Yay!

I promise to be a good girl tomorrow and study. Oh wait, I said I'd go out with TJ after class....

Tuesday?

Be honest.
Link to the start of entry: #20030111